Random Notebook stuff

Sometimes memories fade
and we don't quite know when it was--it last Christmas?
Maybe the one before

Cookie crumbs stuck to fingers
and stomachs full of false hope
and the new feel of disappointment
coursing through your body

The realization again
that once the family leaves
and even when they were there
you
were all alone.

Visited only by
that urge...
that feeling you had
wanting--NEEDING to strip from the artificial happiness
woven in Christmas clothes

into the vulnerability of you--just you
and that pen and pad because
you always preferred a mirror you could throw away.

And do you remember the sound of the water
rushing into the tub
the caress of its warmth
tricked you--

Stepped in
and
the red flowers floated
like clouds
you watched them flutter and flitter
until the water sank your
scarlet inhibitions

those red friends left you for the drain--
Again

Here you are.
sitting there, alone
naked,
covered in yourself
forever fading away.

You couldn't understand what the point was.
No one would care
so why give them the trouble
of obligational sadness?

You lifted a stained hand
dripping wet with mediocracy
to turn off the bath.
Dry
and go to bed

just like you had done so many times before.
thinking about the cookies you'd eat the next day
and the awful look your mother would give you
before you reunited with the ground

knowing the danger in their worth
you'd eat them anyway
It's Christmas tradition.

And when winter break ends, and you go to school
to tell someone you love
of your night.
they shrug.
you shrug;
they'd never even feel the obligational sadness.

So the scars must break open that day.